Yes, sadly it’s been quiet around here. I’ve been trying to stay off the computer, or at the very least, limit my distractions.
I’ve been enjoying learning some photo editing software, and taking pictures again. How is it so easy to forget the joy and passion I once held for photography?
I’ve also been trying to get the house in order, slowly, as well as keeping up on the normal day to day duties. Again, it’s hard to keep those up when you’re not, feeling it. Either because of being pregnant or just allowing myself to be distracted online.
Theres that pesky online business again…
Well…today I just had to shut down Facebook. Today is no special day, there isn’t anything in particular about it. BUT, I did just get sideswiped over the simplest thing. Knowing the his 2nd birthday is coming up, and seeing that all his mates are talking, being cute, causing trouble and some with illness I’d give anything to help heal…it just hit me that I’d give anything to be holding Michael, no matter how he was acting. Just one more sweet moment. One more heart stopping smile.
To be worrying over, can I love Jeremiah as much as I love Michael, worrying over sibling rivalry. Potty training before J comes…thoughts are endless. I’m missing out, and feel kinda left behind, as Michael mates get to these life markers and I don’t have any idea of what it’s like.
:::Insert pity party, of one, here:::
I turn on fun, funky music to try to get my mind off of the pain, and grief. But you can’t really will it away. Not completely.
How wrong is it of me to feel that I wish this year was easier to face? How selfish am I, that I would like at least one full year of no loss…no reason to grieve. Just…happiness. Joy. Excitement. Being innocent again.
So here I am…writing my feelings out. The best therapy I know of for myself. To turn music on, close my eyes and type. Letting the tears flow, the angry words be spoken, the heart to break just a little again.
To somehow face the day again with a smile and His joy in my heart at the end of it.
Lord, I really don’t know how I can do this, year in and year out. But I am…I have no choice, but to keep walking. Keep living by faith. Keep seeing the best, the good and the honesty of life. No being afraid to face it…
It’s not just my son I’m missing…it’s my Dad too. Ah, the tears flow anew again. Oh how I miss my Daddy, my heart breaks again with his loss. I miss his hugs…those hugs that made you feel like everything would be okay. Nothing could get to me. I was protected.
Grief will not get the best of me, although I’ll indulge it when it comes. Grief helps heal, even when it hurts terribly.
So come on grief, lets do lunch today.
In His hands, always,