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Memories

As I sit here holding you

I remember another baby blue

As I sit here tickling you

I remember another giggle

As I look back on those days

I remember the deep, un-ending grief

As I flip through picture books

I’m surprised at what I forgot

Those days are not all that define me

Those days are not my whole life

With each passing day and hour

My grief morphs with each breath

My grief is not the oppression it once was

Now it’s a vague murmur in the background

Which leaps up from time to time

To remind me that one or two are missing

I have my joy back

I have my peace back

My arms are not empty anymore

Truely, God is good

In times bad

and

In times good

 

Angry

I interrupt the scheduled posts for an, I need to purge emotions post.

Disclaimer: It’s going to be a raw post I think so if you don’t want to read my feelings, then please just pray for me and stop here, thank you.

 

Anger.

Its one of the processes of grief that must be dealt with. But I’ve been holding back, clamping down on and stifling it. My anger scares me, I know how bad it can be. To lose control in a way that could hurt someone…to be so mad all you see is red (or black). I’ve only felt that way once in my life, and I’ve managed to keep it at bay since then.

 

But I can feel it…lurking. Waiting.

It’s tentacles slowing wrapping around my heart, my mind and my mouth. I can feel the emotions rise at the drop of hat, over everyday things.  I jump down the throats of those I love.

I wanted to punch my car today.  Several times.

I wanted to ram my fist into a wall. Preferably brick so it would hurt more than the pain inside me did.

I just want my oldest son back and my Dad…I miss them so much.

I’m angry they aren’t here.

I’m pissed I have to learn how to live without them.

I mad that I can’t show them J, that we can’t do stuff as a whole family.

I skivved that my Dad isn’t here to be all heart-melty over J.

 

I’m angry.

And I’m scared.

I’m sad.

And I’m heart broken.

 

 

Things I’ve learned from 2011

The things I’ve learned from 2011, could also be said to have been learned from 2010. So here goes:

God is in control

I can handle a lot more than I thought…only because God is my strength

Family and true friends are priceless

Be thankful, even in grief

Sometimes, when confronted with a mirror, I’m surprised at what/who I’ve become

Having faith is an action, not a lofty thought

Life is way too short to hold grudges

Life is also too short to not forgive our ‘enemies’

All our best plans, pale in comparison to Gods perfect ones

Learning to let go takes more faith than holding on

What are somethings you’ve learned in 2011?! I’d love to know.

In His Hands,

Peggy

A New Year, A New Outlook

Last year this time, I was praying that 2011 would be a calmer year, less stressful on me and my loved ones.

The loss of my Dad blew that right out of the water. With his passing, it’s been a rough year. I haven’t blogged much about him, but I miss him just as much as I miss my son.

 

So for 2012?

I’m just going to say bring it on.

Batten down the hatches.

Hold on for dear life.

Que sera sera.

The Lord will strengthen me and mine.

We’ve got a few things on the horizon for 2012 that promise to make it another long and rough year. But we will make it, just as we’ve survived the past two years. By the grace of God!

We’re blessed even through our losses, but sometimes I’d like to skip the loss, thankyouvermuch!

I’ll be blogging more often, I hope! I have plans for our home and family, things that are worthy to share!

I’m looking forward to a new year! What are your thoughts about 2011 and the coming 2012??

In His Hands,

Peggy

October, We Meet Again

Hello, October.

October, the month of candy, dress up and Fall getting more crisp. Also the month our first son was born, and possibly our 2nd. October, brings in the holiday season rush.

Last October was our first without Michael, this is our second. Can’t say it’s easy, can’t say it’s hard either. It just is. The memories come back, the hospital stay for me, and for him. The NICU, and my c-section scar. It’s memories, but not necessarily painful ones now.  I can laugh and smile as I remember. I can giggle at the videos of our feisty little fighter.

This year we had thought about how to celebrate that day he came to us. But all those plans are now not possible, due to my bed rest. We’ll have to plan something special that can be done at home.

As I am walking this path, I’ve met others who’ve lost their precious little babys too soon. I hurt for them, wishing that they didn’t have to know this loss. I wish I could reach through the screen or distance and give them a knowing hug. Losing an infant will never make sense, while on this planet. But I seek God’s face every time I hear of another one gone. I don’t know why, but I know the Creator. I don’t know why, but I know His plan is perfect. For now…that gives me comfort. Until I can get to heaven and hold my Michael again, God is holding my scarred heart and allowing it to heal.

October is also Infant Loss and Awareness month.

If you have lost a child, or know someone who has, share their story with me here. Remember them as I remember my son and others who’ve gone too soon.

 

In His Hands,

 

Peggy

Living With Hope not Fear

We can also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance,

and perseverance proven character, and proven character, hope.

Hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out

within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

This pregnancy has been a practice of faith and trust in God, from the very beginning. It continues to be so now. Lemme tell you why…

My blood pressure has started to do wonky things, like being higher than we’d like. It’s no longer a cuff issue, as at home we get the same numbers the Dr. office and hospital have been getting. So now, all MY plans are tossed out and I’m on my knees in prayer to keep Jeremiah in until 36-37wks. I pray for His peace every day, many times a day. I KNOW He has a perfect plan. I’ve been praying to know that plan, and submit my heart and mind to it. The last place I want to be is outside the plan. He has been faithful to us up til now, He will continue to do so.

So now, our thoughts are on being prepared every week for it to be THE week we meet Jeremiah. It’s a practice in faith, trust and peace. We have thought about the outcome, talked about how we’d handle the details, all the while pouring out our fears and hopes at His feet, and receiving grace and peace in return.

We have also been dealing with the emotional fallout of this birth being similar to Michaels. All the fears of the unknown, yet known are present. No way around them, but to again lay them at His feet, over and over again until they stay there.

Many thoughts come back to me, in this time. Who am I that I might have special treatment? Who are we to expect a pain free, fear free life while here? What have I done, that is special enough to grant me ease all the days of my life?

Nothing.

Not one thing.

Yet…

I have hope. I’m reminded again and again that I have hope. I have a God who is much bigger, and much more than I can imagine. I trusted Him in those days after Michael. I can trust Him with Jeremiah now. Jeremiah is, after all, His child first. I’m just borrowing him for a time.

Nights are the hardest for me, it’s when my fears are unleashed and try to rob me of my precious little sleep. Last night, I poured out my fears to God, and suddenly felt so much peace and hope. I immediately feel asleep. While I’m not 100% rested this morning, I still feel the presence of God, the peace and hope He gave me.

With all my heart, I rejoice today, for the hope and peace I have in Christ. No matter the outcome, I will continue to rejoice in His mercy and love.

In His hands,

Peggy

 

 

 

Quiet around here?

Yes, sadly it’s been quiet around here. I’ve been trying to stay off the computer, or at the very least, limit my distractions.

I’ve been enjoying learning some photo editing software, and taking pictures again. How is it so easy to forget the joy and passion I once held for photography?

I’ve also been trying to get the house in order, slowly, as well as keeping up on the normal day to day duties. Again, it’s hard to keep those up when you’re not, feeling it.  Either because of being pregnant or just allowing myself to be distracted online.

Theres that pesky online business again…

Well…today I just had to shut down Facebook. Today is no special day, there isn’t anything in particular about it. BUT, I did just get sideswiped over the simplest thing. Knowing the his 2nd birthday is coming up, and seeing that all his mates are talking, being cute, causing trouble and some with illness I’d give anything to help heal…it just hit me that I’d give anything to be holding Michael, no matter how he was acting. Just one more sweet moment. One more heart stopping smile.

To be worrying over, can I love Jeremiah as much as I love Michael, worrying over sibling rivalry. Potty training before J comes…thoughts are endless. I’m missing out, and feel kinda left behind, as Michael mates get to these life markers and I don’t have any idea of what it’s like.

:::Insert pity party, of one, here:::

 

I turn on fun, funky music to try to get my mind off of the pain, and grief. But you can’t really will it away. Not completely.

 

How wrong is it of me to feel that I wish this year was easier to face? How selfish am I, that I would like at least one full year of no loss…no reason to grieve.  Just…happiness. Joy. Excitement. Being innocent again.

So here I am…writing my feelings out. The best therapy I know of for myself. To turn music on, close my eyes and type. Letting the tears flow, the angry words be spoken, the heart to break just a little again.

To somehow face the day again with a smile and His joy in my heart at the end of it.

Lord, I really don’t know how I can do this, year in and year out. But I am…I have no choice, but to keep walking. Keep living by faith. Keep seeing the best, the good and the honesty of life. No being afraid to face it…

It’s not just my son I’m missing…it’s my Dad too. Ah, the tears flow anew again. Oh how I miss my Daddy, my heart breaks again with his loss.  I miss his hugs…those hugs that made you feel like everything would be okay. Nothing could get to me. I was protected.

Grief will not get the best of me, although I’ll indulge it when it comes. Grief helps heal, even when it hurts terribly.

So come on grief, lets do lunch today.

In His hands, always,

Peggy