Tag Archive | Grief Loss and Bereavement

Memories

As I sit here holding you

I remember another baby blue

As I sit here tickling you

I remember another giggle

As I look back on those days

I remember the deep, un-ending grief

As I flip through picture books

I’m surprised at what I forgot

Those days are not all that define me

Those days are not my whole life

With each passing day and hour

My grief morphs with each breath

My grief is not the oppression it once was

Now it’s a vague murmur in the background

Which leaps up from time to time

To remind me that one or two are missing

I have my joy back

I have my peace back

My arms are not empty anymore

Truely, God is good

In times bad

and

In times good

 

Quiet around here?

Yes, sadly it’s been quiet around here. I’ve been trying to stay off the computer, or at the very least, limit my distractions.

I’ve been enjoying learning some photo editing software, and taking pictures again. How is it so easy to forget the joy and passion I once held for photography?

I’ve also been trying to get the house in order, slowly, as well as keeping up on the normal day to day duties. Again, it’s hard to keep those up when you’re not, feeling it.  Either because of being pregnant or just allowing myself to be distracted online.

Theres that pesky online business again…

Well…today I just had to shut down Facebook. Today is no special day, there isn’t anything in particular about it. BUT, I did just get sideswiped over the simplest thing. Knowing the his 2nd birthday is coming up, and seeing that all his mates are talking, being cute, causing trouble and some with illness I’d give anything to help heal…it just hit me that I’d give anything to be holding Michael, no matter how he was acting. Just one more sweet moment. One more heart stopping smile.

To be worrying over, can I love Jeremiah as much as I love Michael, worrying over sibling rivalry. Potty training before J comes…thoughts are endless. I’m missing out, and feel kinda left behind, as Michael mates get to these life markers and I don’t have any idea of what it’s like.

:::Insert pity party, of one, here:::

 

I turn on fun, funky music to try to get my mind off of the pain, and grief. But you can’t really will it away. Not completely.

 

How wrong is it of me to feel that I wish this year was easier to face? How selfish am I, that I would like at least one full year of no loss…no reason to grieve.  Just…happiness. Joy. Excitement. Being innocent again.

So here I am…writing my feelings out. The best therapy I know of for myself. To turn music on, close my eyes and type. Letting the tears flow, the angry words be spoken, the heart to break just a little again.

To somehow face the day again with a smile and His joy in my heart at the end of it.

Lord, I really don’t know how I can do this, year in and year out. But I am…I have no choice, but to keep walking. Keep living by faith. Keep seeing the best, the good and the honesty of life. No being afraid to face it…

It’s not just my son I’m missing…it’s my Dad too. Ah, the tears flow anew again. Oh how I miss my Daddy, my heart breaks again with his loss.  I miss his hugs…those hugs that made you feel like everything would be okay. Nothing could get to me. I was protected.

Grief will not get the best of me, although I’ll indulge it when it comes. Grief helps heal, even when it hurts terribly.

So come on grief, lets do lunch today.

In His hands, always,

Peggy

Grief: Coping with Loss

It’s been 1 year and 4 months.  And it’s been 2 months (almost three).

Loss. Something we all face, a common denominator. It levels the field for a brief moment.

I’ve learned a lot about grief, and loss. Not just my own, but others as well. It’s almost a taboo subject, something whispered about, and rushed over. A permanent scabBut should it be?  I don’t think so.

I’ve read many books, heard many things and it all comes back to, Rest in God. Trust in God. Easy? Not always.  But it’s something I cling too, when the waves threaten me once again.

Grief has no time table.

Grief has no care for gender, creed, age or circumstance.

But…

John 13:7 “Jesus answered and said to him, ‘What I do you do not understand now, but you will in the hereafter.'”

John 14: 27, “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled; nor let it be fearful.”

(Psalm 23; Ecclesiastes 3:1-8; Rom. 8:26; Phil.4: 6-7; Rev. 21:4)

Let me talk to you who have been hurting, have been grieving.

My heart aches when I see you going through grief. I’ve been down the road, and am still on it. It’s not easy, by any means. It’s tough work, this grieving the loss of someone.  While I still struggle with my own questions, I still want to encourage you. I want you to know, that God has a plan. He will give you what you need, as you need it. You might not know the ‘whys’. You will have to learn to accept that, but no one is rushing you. He is not rushing you. That is why He asks you to rest. Rest and trust. The acceptance will come. The joy will come. The peace WILL be there. This I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt. This knowledge lets me cry, rage and question Him.  Because I know He cares, He has a plan, He was before me, with me and after me. He KNOWS. He provides. I have seen it, tasted it, felt it myself. THIS knowledge gets me through the tough, the ugly and the intense.

Precious one, dear one. You are not alone.

I pray that you know His peace, that you feel His presence in ways not yet known to you. His comfort is tangible. Allow Him to stand for you, when you cannot. Allow Him to hold you, when you have no strength to reach out to Him. He is Abba, Father, Loving One. The Great Healer. Many His words be a balm to your soul.

In His Hands,

Peggy

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Resources for Loss:

‘I Will Carry You’ by Angie Smith (infant loss)

‘In Faithfullness, He Afflicted Me’ by Lynnette Kraft (multiple child loss)

‘Why?’ by Anne Graham Lotz ( general loss)

‘A Grief Observed’ by CS Lewis (spouse loss)

‘Speak to My Hurt, God’ by Kay Arthur (devotions for healing)

‘Lord, Heal my Hurts’ by Kay Arthur (devotions for healing)

Please share with us, what you’ve found to be helpful in your journey through grief. I look forward to seeing what has helped others.

30 Day Challenges

I’ve joined several challenges lately, and a few of them 30-Day ones. Besides the 8 week challenge over at Women Living Well, I will also be doing 3 30-Day’s from Revive Our Hearts, Husband Encouragement, Choosing Gratitude and True-Woman Make Over.  I’ve been needing inspiration for blogging as well as for getting closer with God.

So, let the journey begin.

We’ll start today with Husband Encouragement.

“The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:11-12)

My husband and I have been married for just over 2 years now. An infant marriage, to be sure. But when you look past the dates n time-line, you’ll see a gem. A beautiful stone that has been through fire and melting.

Just before our 1 year anniversary, our son passes away from SIDS. The grief, torment and guilt that goes along with a loss is enough to rock any marriage and most especially a new one.  As we mourned our loss, we turned to each other, instead of away. For which I’m thankful for, everyday. I like to say we were on a fast-track to a mature marriage. We learned a lot about each other, that might take others years to learn.

As life has settled down a bit, we’ve been able to have a routine again. To enjoy time together, laugh and cuddle. This in turn, allowed us to be blessed with another son who will be coming in the Fall.

My husband is a wonderful man, a terrific father and caring soul. He’s passionate about his role as my husband, and being a father again (always).

He is my best friend, my lover, my helpmate and my partner in this life.
I tell him often that I love him, but it still wouldn’t be often enough to show how much I appreciate all he’s done for me, our family and those we care about.

What do you say about your husband? Do you praise him, to him? Does he know that you love him and desire him? Do you intentionally court your husband for his ideas, his feelings? I encourage you to do so.

Peggy

P.S. Btw, in no means do I think our marriage doesn’t have room to grow and get better. It does have it’s growing pains, and misunderstandings. We’re not perfect, but we love each other and have a commitment to each other, that gets us through the tough and rough.

This post is also linked back to Time-Warp Wife.